Tidying Up for the Soul

We've been tidying up our house in preparation for Baby Geddes. A few weeks ago, I began reading The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. I have to say, it really is life changing! We have managed to clear up so much space by applying the author's methods. I also feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, as each person in the family is slowly understanding and implementing this new approach to decluttering and organizing.

The author recommends tackling everything at once--easily done when it's just you (and when you're not 33 weeks pregnant). But it's not. My lack of mobility has forced me to tackle what I can, when I can, and I have so far tackled my clothes and shoes, purses and accessories, and a few of my books in my library. I've also had to slowly ease my husband into implementing the Konmari Method, and the best way to get anyone on board is to lead by example. And I did. I After I tidied up the majority of my belongings, I worked with my oldest daughter. I explained the method to her, and we began our journey together. Altogether, she collected 1.5 garbage bags full of trash, 2 garbage bags full of clothes and 1 garbage bag of stuffed animals to donate/throw away, 1 small moving box of books to donate/sell, and more space in her dresser drawers and book shelves than she now knows what to do with.

We are having a little trouble with my youngest daughter's room because it's smaller, and there are pieces of furniture that I (obviously) can't move around, that need to be relocated to different rooms. Although a minor inconvenience, it is also a deterrent to being able to move forward with the plan for tidying and organizing her room further. Nonetheless, we still managed to fill 3 garbage bags full of stuffed animals and another of clothes to donate/trash, and again, more space in her drawers than we know what to do with. My youngest thoroughly enjoys organization, thrives on order, but doesn't get out of control when her room is, well, untidy. Although inwardly, I'm afraid she's screaming for help on how to get the chaos that is her room in perfect order. 

Between the three ladies in his life, my husband was able to catch a glimpse of the value in the Konmari Method, and although somewhat reluctant, was ready to empty his drawers and his side of the closet. This week, he purged 7 jackets, 3 dress shirts, 4 polo shirt, 12 t-shirts, 7 shorts, 2 suits, and a stack of other miscellaneous pieces of clothing. Purging coupled with applying the folding method that Kondo recommends, I have to say that all the dresser drawers in our entire family seem a bit barren, but extremely organized.

This whole experience has been enlightening. And although we're far from finished, our family is already seeing the benefits of the Konmari Method. We have been ready for a long time, but we needed a system that would guide us, that each person in the family could understand and implement from this point forward. 

One of the biggest lessons I have been learning on this journey is letting go and moving forward.

Image from http://www.savers.com/donate/tips-for-donating

In Jr. High, I sewed a dalmatian stuffed animal. Although decent for a first-timer, it was by anyone's standards, poorly made. It's head, ears, and eyes were lopsided, but I was proud of my creation. When I was 7-years old, my uncle and aunt gave me twin dolls, a boy and a girl. I loved those dolls and kept them for almost 30 years! I let my kids play with them too, and the head of the boy doll finally popped off. My oldest kept my dalmatian stuffed animal for nostalgia's sake, but she never really played with it--it's really quite ugly. As I sifted through the stuffed animals today to donate and throw away, I realized that the dog and the girl doll had outlived their purpose. They were too old and worn (and the dog too ugly) to be donated, but I didn't have the heart to throw them away. 

I had to ask myself why I was having such a difficult time letting them go. It was because those moments of my childhood were the most innocent for me. I had a rough childhood, and from 4-years old and onward, I was always in a survival-state due to the nature of my home-life. I held onto these mementos beyond my childhood years because they represented joy during the periods throughout my life that I felt like I was living in darkness. Believe me when I say that letting go of these roughly 26-30 year old toys was actually very difficult for me. But I realized I had to. At this very moment, just writing about it and facing my sadness that I experienced for the majority of my childhood brings me to tears. But I can let go now. 

I can let go because my children are my happiness, and their happiness depends on me. Although they have had to live through the separation of their parents--and now an estranged father--they are happy, healthy, and thriving. Yes. They've had some growing up to do since their father and I divorced, but that doesn't mean that they have lost their innocence. On the contrary, they are playful, imaginative, open, honest, and inquisitive. They feel safe asking my husband and I questions because they know that we will always be honest with them, never twisting or manipulating the truth. They know that they are fiercely protected, and we will stand between them and anyone who attempts to hurt them. We continue to work hard and make sacrifices to ensure that our children are in a loving and stable environment--because that's just what parents do. The children's needs come first, and we find ways to provide for them--never making excuses as to why they would go without. This is the commitment we have to our children. Their future matters to me, and this requires me letting go of a past that can still haunt me in my nightmares.

I'm bringing a new life into this world, and although I feel I've healed through the majority of my past, the leftover baggage I've been carrying around (literally and figuratively) has been hurting me and my family, and they deserve so much more! The mementos of my childhood, where they once gave me joy, now only brought me bittersweet feelings. Upon acknowledging the purpose they once served and realizing they have outlived their purpose, with a heavy heart, I was able to let them go.

Kondo touches on this with a philosophical approach:

When we really delve into the reasons why we can't let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or a fear for the future.

What I experienced in childhood has directly affected my spiritual and political beliefs. My experiences also guides my passions today, makes me fight for the causes I stand for, provides a guideline on how I raise my children, and ultimately made me a stronger woman. I no longer fear for the future because everything I have is not measured in our possessions, but in the love that my family has for one another, and most importantly, for the worth I have found in myself. I have overcome nightmare after nightmare in my life, and I have shown all those that hurt me that they cannot break me.

I also have to give a shout out to my husband. He is an amazing father to my daughters, and from the moment I met him, he has shown me over and over that he will always stand by me. This pregnancy hasn't been easy, and he has made sure that I want for not a single thing to get me through the aches and pains. Since beginning this post, he has assembled the final touches of the children's desks, and moved around heavy pieces of furniture to complete the tidying project for their rooms. And the children give me a renewed hope for the future, knowing they will make a difference in the lives of other people as they have for me and my husband.

Baby Geddes doesn't yet realize how much she has changed our lives and the way I choose to approach my life from now on. I've already let go of the people (friends and family) who aren't healthy for me or my family:

a) Those who have hurt me or my family members and friends
b) Flakes...I can't stand flakes, related or not!
c) Those who keep relationships with sexual predators/convicted felons of sex crimes (yes...I actually have this on my list. Can you say, dysfunctional?

Letting go of toxic people and the pain they caused is quite a process and it can leave a wide, gaping hole in your heart, realizing that you were not worth as much to them as they were to you. I didn't realize that letting go of inanimate objects would also be hard because physical representations of our memories can conjure up so many emotions. But tidying up has really been like a cleansing of the soul for me. With no one to "blame" but myself for holding onto items that have outlived their purpose or did not bring me joy, I was able to confront myself and the decisions I've made in the past and find peace within myself.

As I continue this process of purging my belongings, I'm also purging my past. Turns out, that hole in my heart isn't as big and empty as I thought it was. It was already full. I just didn't know it. The worth I needed to see in myself in order to feel like I was worth being loved was there all along; I just needed loving and supportive people in my life to help me recognize this. And they have. With the love of my dear husband, the purpose my children bring me, and the many family members and friends whom I have cried and laughed with, my heart is full. But I also know that there's always room for more beautiful people with beautiful hearts to expand it.

Baby Geddes: You are that next person, and Mommy can't wait to meet you.

The GeddeNest

It's Spring Break for the kids, and Day 1 of Spring Cleaning began, to the kids' disappointment, on Easter Sunday. Traditionally, we go to Las Vegas to visit the kids' Godparents, but it would have been completely irresponsible of us to leave with the house in the condition that it has been in.

I had been in and out of the doctor's for the latter part of last year trying to get a handle on my chronic cystitis (which has since been resolved thanks to my miracle-working naturopathic doctor, prescribing homeopathic remedies and D-Mannose supplement). The cystitis had me feeling pretty cruddy whenever symptoms occurred, and I wasn't motivated to tackle my normal SAHM To Do List (and there's always something that needs to be done). Of course, I found out I was pregnant on Christmas Day, and shortly thereafter the morning sickness took over--which lasted about one and a half months. It took everything for me to get out of bed, and every chance I got, I would climb right back into bed or watch television to distract me from the nausea.

The house, needless to say, has gone into a bit of disarray with me being in and out of commission for so long, and it seems to implode even more whenever we go on vacation. Our itinerary for the next few months is as follows:

4 Baby Showers (including my own), 1 Bridal Shower,  2 Weddings, 2 Birthdays, 4th of July, Mother's Day and Father's Day, 5 weeks total of vacation time, and then the Geddepop Bump will make her debut.

This is why I felt it would be irresponsible of me to take our kids to Vegas this year. Our itinerary for the upcoming months wouldn't allow me to focus as much as I'd like to on preparing our space for the baby. So during this Spring Break, my Little Helpers are helping me tackle different areas of the house, purging and donating; trashing a lot of toiletries that have expired. I'm going to be preparing a balikbayan box (pronounced bah-leek-by-ahn) to send to our relatives in the Philippines, which will also clear up a LOT of space, as I have been creating two piles of items to send over the last year.

A balikbayan box contains item such as toiletries, non-perishable
foods, household items, & toys, sent overseas, often by freight.

It's my goal to have everything dialed in by Friday. Although the kids are disappointed that we didn't take our usual Spring Break vacation to Vegas, I promised to reward them with a family day trip to an amusement park, and if we have time, a zoo that we haven't yet visited. While they were folding clothes today, my oldest blasted iHeart Radio from her cell phone to her speaker that her godfather sent her for her birthday, and they danced and sang out loud. They completed their tasks with a happy heart, and they gave me accolades every time I get a particular space cleared. Being a SAHM, I'll happily take whatever validation I can get!

Due to our upcoming itinerary, my nesting stage seems to have occurred much earlier in this pregnancy. This is probably a good thing since I'll become less mobile as my the Geddepop Bump grows, and I'll be spending less time at home than I normally would. I feel somewhat confident that this project won't be a case of the Humpty Dumpties, but I certainly feel like the Easter Bunny definitely laid his Eggs-A-La-Clean (up this mess!) in every room. Although we've been very productive the last couple of days, I still look around and see that so much still needs to be done. I keep telling myself, "You have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette," but right now, I'm starting to only see cracked eggs in every room.

It takes a while to get motivated in the morning, but the sun seems to momentarily shine through my windows (and it's been raining all night and morning), beckoning me to begin my day renewed, refreshed, and ready to tackle what I've started. The GeddeNest is a work in progress, and I'll be relieved to see it finished.

Equal Opportunity Eating

There haven't been too many outrageous cravings this time around, but then again, I never really did crave the weird stuff like peanut butter and pickles. With my first-born, I craved cheese--any kind of cheese! Whole blocks of cheese literally excited me, and I couldn't wait to get home and cut off chunks to feed my guilty pleasure! The thing is, I went into the pregnancy having mediocre feelings about cheese. I neither loved it, nor did I hate it. But prior to getting pregnant, if had a choice of eating a dish with or without cheese, I'd opt for sans-cheese.

With my second, I wanted nothing but salad because the morning sickness wouldn't allow me to eat meat. Then I had an aversion to salad, so for a while there I was limited to eating bread, saltines, and 7Up. After the morning sickness subsided, I craved sweets--lots and lots of sweets! Not just any sweets, I wanted the carb-y kind: donuts, cake (German chocolate), cream cheese & raspberry filled croissants, muffins, cookies, and brownies. (I think that covers just about everything). The non-carby sweets consisted mainly of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie and creme brûlée. Oh, and watermelon. I could eat a whole watermelon by myself, and since neither my oldest nor her dad liked watermelon, I could eat my watermelon in peace, knowing I wouldn't have to share it with one…single…soul.

This third time around, I can't say that I've had cravings for one particular food group, but I find myself craving that food until I've satisfied it.  Lately, I've been gravitating towards certain items when I go to the grocery store. Strawberries, for instance. I would list strawberries as the Top 5 in my least favorite fruits (along with grapes, bananas, raspberries, and papaya). So coming home from Safeway with the two packages for seven dollars of strawberries always surprises me a little bit. What surprises me more is that I actually eat them and enjoy them! I'd say my cravings this time around are pretty random. But when I do get the craving, it stays!

Today, for instance, I had Ethiopian food. That particular craving has been with me since before I got pregnant, so it was long overdue. I was so satiated after having it for lunch, I found dinner to be somewhat of a disappointment. I ate my dinner anyway. But not with the same gusto that I did with my lunch.

My lunch today consisted of Injera, Mesir Wot, Kik Alicha, Gomen, Rice,  Lamb Tibbs. 

I washed it down with Sorrel (Hibiscus) Tea.

I've also had occasional cravings for burgers. The Habit Burger Santa Barbara style is delicious, along with their tempura green beans. Squeeze Inn has the BEST cheese! They melt cheese to the point of crispy deliciousness for their burgers. The disc of fried cheese extends beyond the sandwich itself, and every bite is tantalizing--crispy, salty, greasy, delicious!

Fried chicken and potato chips are my weakness, so I try my best to stay away from those other than special occasions--like going out to breakfast or lunch with my husband. I've had one sushi craving (vegetable tempura sushi) and a craving for crawfish. After I satiate those cravings, I don't consistently crave anything.

Okay, so I'll admit that I also crave donuts once in a while too. Circumstances beyond my control had me up going for a brief drive at five o'clock in the morning. When I came to a stop, I smelled donuts! I couldn't see where the smell was coming from, but I knew the donut shop had to be close. I Googled it and sure enough, there was a donut shop 0.2 miles away. It was right around the corner! I took it as a sign, and would seize the opportunity to get myself a donut! Unfortunately, they were closed, and I went home empty-handed and tried to sleep off the craving for a couple more hours.

I ended up giving in to my craving after I dropped my kids off at school. I enjoyed a cup of coffee (which I usually never drink), and a maple and chocolate cruller. 

As I was driving home, I realized that I have an uncanny, sensitive sense of smell. I can smell things that other people can't smell, and I can smell odors before anyone else can sense them. It seems that I've passed my "whiffing talent" onto my second-born, along with my cravings for sweets. And how does she like watermelon?!?! I now have to share any type of melon I purchase, as she has as much as a zealous appetite for melons as I do!

And then I thought about my first-born. She's a spitting image of her dad. She has his teeth, and her facial expressions mimic his exactly. She has her dad's and grandfather's knees and toes too, and her great-uncle's eyes. And as my craving with my second-born were passed down, so were my cravings with my first-born. She loves dairy products--especially milk and cheese! And she likes the high-quality, organic stuff too.

This got me wondering what my third baby will look like, and what what foods she'll gravitate towards. Will she love pizza and burgers as her father does? Does my lack of commitment to any one craving mean that she'll be a picky eater? Or does the fact that I'll eat whatever my heart desires mean that she'll be an equal opportunity eater?  What personality traits will she have? Will I look at her and see nothing but her dad, or will I see a younger, lighter version of myself? These are the moments that I relish about being pregnant. Even though we can't predict the outcome, it's always nice to have something to look forward to. That's what keeps us going. Some call it curiosity. It can also be seen as ambition and perseverance. I call it Hope.

Hope not only gives us something to look forward to, but she gives us something to smile about, laugh about, and she keeps our dreams alive. She gives us the perseverance to forge ahead even though our path may not be as clear as we want it to be, or we are riddled with life's struggles. Hope is our future! She's what I've placed into all of my children--including my unborn. And when I look at my two daughters now, I see that Hope is very much alive, and She will show herself again soon in our newborn daughter's eyes.

I wish to dedicate this entry to my beautiful niece who was taken from us too soon, but will forever live in our hearts: Hope Angeli Castellano (02.03.1987 - 09.21.2013).

#NeverLoseHope

Alternative Medicine

It's been almost 2 months since I last posted. It's probably because the morning sickness has taken its exit, and I've been reveling in the fact that I can enjoy my meals and run errands like any normal person. But new aches and pains have taken residence in my changing body that have made me more uncomfortable and irritable.

I've developed what I believe to be a pinched nerve in the right side of my lower back. It's been there for the last few weeks, and then the pinch has recently traveled to the left side. Without being a medical professional, I also can't articulate to my ObGyn exactly what I'm feeling: pressure localized to the left side deep inside my pelvis.

Exercise seemed to exacerbate this particular symptom. It wasn't heavy exercise either. Just a couple of miles of walking at a brisk pace. My walking stick wasn't even enough to provide relief from the pressure I felt, and the pain that shot downward through my pelvis. At first, the pain only happened when I exercised, but the pressure/sharp pain never went away after my last walk a few weeks ago. It hurt to strain myself in any way. From doing simple tasks such as getting out of bed, standing up, sitting down, climbing stairs, and of course, walking. It's been frustrating not being able to locate the exact reason of this pain; and more frustrating that as my belly grows, the onset of aches and discomfort gets worse.

I know that exercise is extremely important during pregnancy, and some of the times I look forward to most are spent walking with my husband and little girls. But with my back and pelvic pain, I'm afraid my movements are limited these days.

I began seeing a naturopath last year. Little did we know that she would also be guiding me through a pregnancy. Although she's very expensive, and our insurance doesn't cover naturopaths (or FSA reimbursements for that matter), seeing her has been very helpful. I don't discount the wonders of Western medicine, but it's refreshing to have someone approach my health from a holistic and natural perspective--where Western medicine has disappointed. My naturopath prescribed the BEST prenatal vitamins that don't make me sick, and unlike many OTC vitamins that the body can't absorb and ends up expelling, my body seems to absorb the vitamins my naturopath prescribed.

I've also decided to begin taking prenatal yoga classes since merely walking to exercise seemed to agitate my symptoms.

I've only been taking yoga classes for a couple of weeks, but I'm hooked! I love going to yoga class, and being surrounded by women in all stages of pregnancy--which, by the way, seems to be a young woman's game. Many of these women are in their twenties and pregnant with their first baby. I envy how they glow and enjoy being pregnant. Wherein, I'm on my third pregnancy and am impatient for the baby to be born.  But I digress…

Although yoga hasn't relieved my back pain, it seems to have helped me manage my pain better with breathing and deep stretches. My lovely husband was confident that my pelvic pain would eventually ease up, and he was right (bless his heart). I do believe, however, that the yoga exercises assisted in relieving some of my pelvic pain, as I'm not as in much pain as I was before I began yoga.

To address the pinched nerve, I'm going to see a chiropractor on Thursday to finally rid myself of this pain, and get back to feeling more myself instead of irritable at the drop of a hat. The chiropractic office also has an acupuncturist--from whom I also plan to seek services as my pregnancy progresses. The good news is that our FSA will reimburse us for services rendered.

There are a plethora of options when seeking prenatal care. I know that every woman is different, and we have to do that which will meet our individual needs. This time around, I'm pulling out all the stops in order to stay healthy and have a safe delivery. It may seem excessive to have an ObGyn, a naturopath, a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, and om-tastic yoga instructors, but I'm determined to stay positive and get through this pregnancy with putting very little into my body in terms of OTC painkillers.

I'm 4.5 months pregnant, and everything is growing and changing. I remain hopeful that alternative medicine will do its part in helping me grow in grace--literally and figuratively--as I progress in my pregnancy.

A Productive Day!

Lately, a productive day for me means that I managed to keep my meals from coming back up. I've been fighting the nausea at all times of the day. It hits me when I least expect it, even though I should expect it to hit pretty much all the time. But today, I wore my Sea Bandz, and they seemed to stave off the nausea enough for me to get my chores done.

That being said, here is the list I tackled today:

• Folded 4 loads of laundry
• Washed 2 more loads of laundry(yesterday I managed to wash 2 loads)
• Emptied the dishwasher
• Washed dishes and refilled the dishwasher
• Called my student loan providers to discuss repayment options
• Emailed my daughter's teacher to confirm what time they were performing on their school play (which is when my first prenatal appointment is scheduled)
• My ObGyn created a requisition for a lab that my insurance won't cover, so I contacted the lab through which my insurance is contracted and requested the codes for their test equivalents. 
• I contacted my doctor and spoke with her assistant, and her assistant will be making a new requisition for me to pick up on my way to get my kids from their dad's house (they didn't have school today).
• I scheduled an appointment with the genetics counseling office.

I'll be getting ready soon to pick up my girls. But I also feel super-tired since I didn't go to sleep after my husband left EARLY this morning for work, and I've done more in one day than I've managed to do in weeks.

I'd call today a very productive day, and I did it all before noon!

Pregnancy Brain

My husband called his work to go in a half hour later than he was expected. The reason? Another crying fit came on. I was laying in bed after breakfast because the morning sickness kicked in. The weather the last couple of days has been so beautiful--cool and sunny--but I couldn't take advantage of exercising outdoors or anything because I've been nauseated, fatigued, or both.

The crying fit came on just as my husband was about to leave for work. I tried to hold back the tears, but they just came gushing out along with the sad, wimpery sobs. He kissed me good-bye, apologizing that he couldn't stay, and I understood, but I still felt miserable. I lay in bed crying for a couple more minutes, and then I got up to go pee. I cried while peeing too. I was a blubbering mess. As I came out of the bathroom, to my surprise, my husband was there, and he told me that he could stay for a half an hour. 

We laid together in bed, and he let me cry. He soothed me and comforted me, and made me feel so loved. He held me close. He made me laugh too. He said that it's just like when we argue. He's the only man in my life whose ever stood up to me, so it's no wonder that his offspring would do the same to me in my womb. By the time he left, I had stopped crying. 

My daughters are at their dad's house for the weekend. I woke up this morning not knowing what day it was. I wondered if the kids were up yet, and I realized that they weren't home. I miss them when they're gone. And I know that having this baby will not make me miss them any less. I feel complete when my children and my husband are together as a family. 

I spent the majority of my day in bed--sick, of course. I took a 2 hour nap, and I woke up sick. I did manage to get dressed and leave the house to get a bowl of Pho (Vietnamese soup), and I also cooked Jeff and I breakfast this morning (bacon, scrambled eggs, and fresh guacamole). I played with my new phone (we just upgraded our phones to the Note 4), and playing with all the features is a welcome distraction from my own discomfort. 

We had our first ultrasound this last week. It was amazing. Our baby was doing a little dance, wiggling its little arms and legs. It was adorable! Seeing the ultrasound was a very real experience for my husband, a first-time father. I think he felt that sensation that only parents feel when they see their child for the first time. That overwhelming sense of love and the need to protect the child (and the vessel in which their growing) washes over you, and you know that this child belongs to you, and you feel responsible for giving it the best that you can offer.

I have pregnancy brain. I'm forgetting words. I can't remember the topic we were just discussing. And my thoughts are totally random. Kind of like this post. I have no….(of course, I can't think of the word right now……direction for anything right now, except to take one day at a time. Although I feel like a useless sac most of the time due to the morning sickness, I have to remember one very important fact:

I AM GROWING A BABY 24 HOURS A DAY! 

In the end, it will all be worth it.

The Serendipity of Timing & Location

We were going to stay at a friend's house on Friday night, but we instead got a hotel room in downtown. Saturday morning, I considered taking my kids to a crepe restaurant, but I found one closer that we hadn't been to in a while. I posted my location on Instagram, and that account is attached to my Facebook account. My best friend from high school messaged me and said she was at the crepe restaurant that we were originally going to go to. She said she was considering going to the restaurant that we were at, but they had gone there last weekend. After a few messages back and forth, we decided to meet up. It was more than a year since we had seen each other, and although it was a short visit, our conversations always fall into a comfortable rhythm like it was yesterday.

On our way home, my husband wanted to stop at a burger joint known for their deep fried mushrooms. With my morning sickness still in effect, I wanted nothing to do with the smell of what I would have previously considered tantalizing pre-pregnancy. I decided, instead, to go to the Thai restaurant down the street that my husband and I went to on our first date. I would pick up my husband and kids after I was finished.

Parking was difficult to find, but I finally found a spot really close to the restaurant. When I went in, they were closed! I was so disappointed! I Yelped other Thai restaurants in the area, and because we were in a downtown area, everything was within walking distance. The next Thai restaurant was 8 minutes away, so I trekked towards the restaurant. On my walk, I passed a little, baby store boutique that I used to frequent when my first two children were babies. The nostalgia of the times my kids were babies waved over me, but my focus was on getting my Thai food. 

I didn't much enjoy my Thai food. I felt nauseated the whole time. I took the same route back to my car that I took to the restaurant. I passed the baby store and stopped in with one mission: Preggie Pops. I spotted exactly what I needed at at the register and purchased 2 boxes of Preggie Pops. I eagerly popped the savory candy into my mouth and felt instant relief.

If the Thai restaurant that I had originally planned on eating at was open, I would have never passed the  baby boutique. If I hadn't passed the baby boutique, I would never have stopped and remembered that they had Preggie Pops. If you ever doubt the question of whether or not everything happens for a reason, let the serendipity of timing and location be the answer. The answer may not be as immediate as  going to breakfast or stopping at a baby boutique when you're desperate to resolve the symptoms of morning sickness. The answer may happen months or years beyond the previous decision that you may have regretted as you went on your journey, but the answer will make itself clear, and it's usually an answer that works in your favor.

I went through a not-so-happy marriage, but two beautiful children resulted from the marriage. I struggled to survive as a single mother, working full-time, making LOW wages as an optician at, ironically, an upscale optometrist office, and also pursuing my college education full-time. I missed my kids because my schedule was horrible and coincided with mall/retail hours, and on my time off I had to commit to to my studies. I went from 4 years of doing everything for my children and family to merely trying to survive and get through the madness of pursuing my college degree while raising two kids. 

I couldn't see it then, but all of that led me to this moment. I am now happily married, and my children have their mother 100% of the time. I am having a baby with the most gentle and loving man, who already dotes on me and the children and, quite frankly, spoils us rotten. I will never discount anything that happens in my life, by choice or by chance, as I now believe everything that happens surely happens for a reason.

We Told the Kids!

Tuesday, December 30th, is when the morning sickness started rearing it's ugly head. By Thursday, January 1st, I was an emotional wreck, and I stayed housebound (and mostly bed-ridden) until I went to pick up my kids from their dad's on Sunday. I was laid up with nausea and seriously fatigued. I'm not sure if it was the hormones that was making me so tired or if being nauseated was so overwhelming that all I wanted to do was sleep. Either way, I was not ready to be back on a schedule.

But like most generations of women before me, I had to suck it up and deal with it. I still wasn't feeling good on Monday, and I realized that me being sick without an explanation would affect my kids. I at least wanted to wait until we got our first ultrasound, but I realized that, at this rate, the morning sickness could potentially last beyond our ultrasound, and that's a long time for the kids to see Mommy lazing around on the couch, lethargic, sick, nauseated.

And since it would be another 14 days until we were scheduled for our first ultrasound, my husband and I thought it would be best to go ahead and tell the kids so they had an understanding of why I felt so sick all the time.

We called them to the family room, and my husband told them the news that they were going to have a baby brother or sister. My oldest daughter was so excited! She was dancing around, singing, and ecstatic about the prospect of having another brother or sister. It took my youngest a few moments to get used to the idea of a baby brother or sister. She was in disbelief. She looked at me with her big, puppy-dog, brown eyes while they brimmed with tears, "Are you really going to have a baby?"

I said, "Yes, Sweetheart. You're going to be a big sister."

She said she didn't know why she was crying, but she said she wasn't sad. I think the news shocked her quite a bit. My oldest asked to call her best friend to tell her the news. We talked about when the baby would be due, and how old each child would be when the baby was born.

All in all, the news of a baby was accepted well by the kids. Each had her own reaction, and they are very excited to help out. We still want to wait until we've gotten past the first trimester (February 15th) before we make our announcement public, but it would be nice to have some emotional support from my peeps on social media, as this morning sickness is kicking my ass! Until then, my husband is the family's hero. He works 48 hours per week (lately), and he's been doing the dishes, laundry, and cooking our meals while I work just to stay upright without wanting to hurl. I consider myself the luckiest wife and mommy.

35 vs. 25

My children's godmother, Sally, and I were having a conversation today about age. Age isn't suppose to mean a thing, but it sure does take its toll a lot faster than we expect. Everything isn't as taut nor is it as perky as it once was. Things droop and gravity takes its toll in places you wish it wouldn't, and the weight gain is easier and more permanent without regular exercise and a healthy diet.

I can't sit cross-legged without my knees stiffening up when I try to unbend them. I'm not as active as I once was, so all the flexibility I had when I was a teenager, active in Taekwondo, and the energy I had in my early twenties has literally gone to the wayside.

Sally wished she could have her thirties back, and I wished for my twenties. I could get 4 hours of sleep and get up to go snowboarding the very next day. I could study all night for midterms and exams, and I'd be alert and ready to ace my chemistry test or that history final (all in essay format) the next day.

Today, just like every day in the last 5 days, I've had morning sickness. It's such helpless feeling. I've also had a sinus headache that pounds the right side of my brain just behind my eye. The first two days of morning sickness were baaaaad, and I was surprised at how quickly my body was "adjusting" and making accommodations for the little sesame seed growing inside of me. What's worse, at 35, I'm more attuned to my body, so it makes this experience all the more excruciating. I don't feel like eating because I don't want to feel nauseated afterward, and I more than likely am nauseated from the moment I open my eyes in the morning. Nothing sounds remotely appetizing to eat, but I at least acknowledge that hungry feeling and force myself to eat when it happens.

My boobs throb in different places throughout the day, and they're even growing at a faster rate than I recall in my previous pregnancy. I feel winded, and I swear my back and hips are already making adjustments, because when I walk, I almost feel like waddling. But I'm only 6 weeks along, so the true waddling won't happen until the sesame seed is more fully grown and putting weight on my hips and pelvic area.

Last Thursday, I was sitting at home--nauseated--watching television, and all of a sudden I felt the urge to cry. It came from nowhere. I wasn't sad. The television show I was watching wasn't even depressing, but I just felt like crying. And I did. And I couldn't stop! It was so annoying. My husband was on his walk, but I didn't know how long he would be. I tried to stop crying, but I couldn't. When he came home, I cried even more.

He tried to comfort me and recommended that I try to freshen myself up to feel better. I did that (all the while crying), and I managed to snap out of it. Or so I thought. I told him I didn't know why I felt so emotional. Mind you, my husband's humor isn't for everyone and, at times, isn't for me. He answered, "Maybe it's because you're such a wimp." He was joking of course, but guess what? I was so incredibly butt-hurt, that I started my second round of crying. I was so upset! He tried to explain that I was joking. I ran to the bathroom and I closed the door. What was happening to me?!?! We bust each other's balls all the time! He was standing there when I came out of the bathroom, nose red and stuffed up, eyes puffy and still watering with tears. As scornfully as I could through my sobs, I said, "You--need--to--be---nice----to----me!----Waaaaaaah!"

I was sensitive to chemical-ly smells in my first pregnancy (like paint), both meat and vegetables made me want to puke in my second pregnancy, but I never felt like crying like this pregnancy has done to me! I don't think I had morning sickness this early either.

Perhaps I'm just super-sensitive (and a wimp), but I also know I'm no spring chicken, and I need to honor when my body is sick or tired or achy or uncomfortable. I don't have as much energy (already having 2 children) as I did in my twenties, and the idea of being sick for 3 months straight can be depressing enough without having to worry about laundry, and cooking, and getting the kids to school, and picking them up, etc.

Thirty five, so far, has been a monumental year. I got married to a man that adores me and my daughters, and I found out I was pregnant with my third child, his first. I celebrated my first Mother's Day when I was 25. My daughter was only 6 months old. I may not have more energy this time around than I did ten years ago, and my body may be ultra-sensitive too, but the one thing that having a 10 year old and a 6 year old has given me is experience (and later on, live-in babysitters).

With the help of baby center.com and my 2 previous pregnancies, I know what to expect (when I'm expecting). I know there's a reason why I cramp up sometimes, why my boobs are aching, and why I'm so nauseated. I'll know how to change a diaper (unless it's a boy, then I'll have to enlist the assistance of my family members who have baby boys to show me how), and I know how to make homemade, organic baby food. I know about schedules and how babies and children thrive on consistency. I may be going into this pregnancy with more days of morning sickness than my last, but I'm going into it with more knowledge of what is yet to come.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm elated. I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my 2 other children. I guess some things never change regardless if you're 25 or 35, and the joy of motherhood is forever.

Bacon Snatcher

We had our first pre-baby/no kids getaway for a few days in the city this last week. We stayed in a 4-star hotel, and had a spectacular view of the bay from the 29th floor. Although there were shutters on the windows, the sunrise peeked through the cracks of the shutters, beckoning to be seen. And what a sight to wake up to!

I got motion sickness on the BART, but not enough to lay me out for the night. It was a VERY chilly evening, and although my coat seemed like it would be warm enough, it wasn't. The wind was a biting right through my my clothes. My husband and I like to Yelp restaurants in the area, and we stumbled upon a fantastic Italian restaurant. We walked there checking into our hotel, and we shared a delicious margarita pizza and their house made gnocchi. We were suppose to see the Hobbit, but I was already feeling pretty tired. We ended up going back the hotel room and renting Fury. I fell asleep at the beginning, but woke up to watch the majority of it. We didn't sleep very long.

The next day, we went shopping at Neiman Marcus, and I got the cutest matching Michael Kors, orange beanie and gloves to keep me warm. After, we saw the Hobbit in 3D IMAX. The movie started at 12:30pm. Having not had a lot of sleep, and with my body wanting to shut down by noon every day, I, too, fell asleep for most of the beginning of this movie too. We weren't too fond of the soap-opera look that the 3D effect generated, and we didn't like it as much as the first Hobbit. We went back to the hotel and took a nap, and we got ready to see the play, Promises, Promises. We stopped and got a hot drink to enjoy as we walked to the play. I was hungry before the first act began, but since we wanted to sleep longer durning our nap, we decided to forego dinner until after the play. By the second act, I was hungry, but the play was so entertaining that I was able to forget about my hunger. 

By the time the play was over, it s nine o'clock. We had a difficult time finding restaurants that were open, but my husband found one called Hogwash. Although I'm not a big fan of hot dogs and sausages, I was willing to eat anything at this point! Let me tell you that the dinner we had tasted like the most amazing dinner I had ever had in my life! The curry fries were crunch and delectably tasty, and the hot dog we shared had house-made pickles that enhanced each mouth-watering bite! I will definitely be coming back here for when I need to give into my cravings. Surprisingly, I did not get sick off the food. 

The next morning we were packing up our things. The hotel room was toasty and warm, but I started to get light headed and dizzy. Being up for a couple of hours and not having yet eaten was starting to get to me. I felt like I was going to pass out! The cool San Francisco air helped to alleviate some of my discomfort, but the next mission was to find food, STAT!

We found a restaurant called the Grove where you order your food in line, and they bring you your food. My husband ordered a bacon scramble, and I had a breakfast burrito. Although I've had an aversion to meat lately, the idea of bacon sounded pretty good, so we decided to order a side and share it. 

After eating his bacon scramble, my husband started tucking into the bacon. He picked up the first piece. It was thick and crispy, and he seemed to enjoy it. The other two pieces were not so esthetically perfect. They were tangled up with each other, but he picked the less mangled of the two. I was so annoyed that he was eating both pieces of bacon when he already had bacon in his scramble! That, and he was leaving me with the most mangled piece of bacon! 

He was over halfway done with his second piece of bacon, and I hunched over, gave him a look that sent daggers flying towards him, I growled, and ripped the bacon out of his mouth!

No. That really didn't happen. But that's how my husband will tell you it happened. He said he thought there were 4 pieces of bacon, but once he realized there were only 3, he gave me what was left of the 2nd piece. At first, I wanted to throw a fit and not eat any of the bacon. But who am I kidding. I ate it anyway. It was delicious! It was my first hormonal moment over food, and I apologized to my husband for my reaction. Certainly, I'm territorial. But not usually with food. And although my morning sickness is in full swing, and I don't even want to eat any meat at all, I will, now, forever be dubbed the "Bacon Snatcher."